I was raised to never sit down. If I was bored, I was told to clean my room. If I wanted to take a nap, I was told to vacuum. If I wanted to watch a show, I had to do the dishes and take out the garbage first. If there was stuff to be done, which there always and forever will be, then sitting down and doing nothing productive was off the table. I don't blame my parents, I know there was no ill-will, it was normal, I didn't mind doing the chores (for the most part), and I understand the reasoning behind it.
The issue wasn't even much of an issue as I've aged. I get things done. My house is always picked up, the dishes are always clean, doctor appointments are scheduled in advance, and I'm always "right on top of that, Rose" (for the ones who appreciate my "Don't Tell Mom the Babysitters Dead" reference).
The issue is now as I have my own family. Now that I'm a 36 year old mother, I do what most mother's do, and that is to look in the mirror and see what needs to change for the better of my child and marriage. I'm looking at my own behavior, good and bad, and trying to better myself so my daughter can be better and have a more fulfilling life.
What I realized is that I lack the ability to just be. I can't sit down unless the house is clean, the laundry is running, and the dishes are put away. Sitting down fuels my anxiety as I know the mental list isn't finished as I muster up new to-do's when I notice crumbs on the floor, dust on the tv speaker, and the pillow angled incorrectly. The problem is that it never will be finished, so there is never mental rest. It's a burden that has caused resentment in my marriage (how dare my husband have the ability to just sit and do something mindless for 20 minutes 🙄 ), and I'm worried I'll teach my daughter to think of herself as "lazy" or "not good enough" if she isn't doing something productive every minute of every day.
Luckily, she is 20 months old, so realizing this now is good. Not-so-luckily, where do I even begin on myself? How do you find that balance, and then, how do you become accepting of that balance? #therapy